Passion

I recently got hooked on the HBO show, "The Newsroom." I cannot stop watching it. Every time I watch an episode, I get inspired and reminded why I chose to be a journalist. Despite the fact I'm not going into broadcast journalism, the stories are still there. The passion to get the truth out is there. The drive to get the story first is there.

I have such a passion for writing. I love to write. But, I love to tell truth more. I like to know things. I like to be curious. I like to know what is going on around me — and I know I'm not the only one.

People want to be informed. But, there is such a misconception of the media now. People see the media as liars and political puppets. They see bias and lies, not fairness and truth. I want to change that perception. I want people to know that journalists can be trusted. I want people to know the information they are getting is accurate and fair and balanced.

Why? It's because I'm passionate. It's because I care about what I want to do. I have dreams. I have goals. I have drive. I have all of these because I have passion. I have a thirst for truth. I have a desire to change things and I know I can do it. I want to be a journalist because I want to change things. I want to make a difference. I want to tell people's stories. I want people's voices to be heard. I want things to change.

I don't know what kinds of things I'll change, but I know I'll do something. I get an adrenaline rush just thinking about staying up late covering a breaking story or picturing myself in a newsroom in the middle of a crisis. I get excited when I see my name in a byline. I get overjoyed when I see people reading the work of my co-workers and myself. I have pride in what I do and I want others to see it.

I know I can't change people's opinions, but I can try to help them see something differently. I want to tell all sides of a story, even if there is only one. I want to do research. I want to work with people who are as dedicated and passionate as I am. I want to be a journalist. I want to be a muck-raking, dirt-digging, truth-uncovering journalist.

I love what I do and what I'm going to do. I don't think I'll ever stop. It's not about the money. It's not about the fame. It's about telling the truth and getting it out to where people can see it. It's about being credible. It's about having passion.

Big questions and honest answers

What really matters in life? Why bother living if we're just going to die anyway? I just want to be happy.

All of these are things I hear/read/see on, what seems like, a daily basis; and it's got me thinking about the answers to those questions. Now, being a Christian all my life I know the theological answers and I know what the "right" answer to say is, but that doesn't mean I agree with it.

First of all, what really matters in life? Well, lots of things matter. Friends, family, pets, work and school are just a few that come to mind off the top of my head. But, it seems like everybody wants a deeper answer than that. Everybody, myself included, wants bigger answers. I think the question is more than, "What really matters in life?" I think it is more like, "What really matters to me? What matters in my life? What kinds of things are important to me? How do I keep my priorities straight and not get distracted by what 'doesn't' matter?" I think that series of questions is closer to what we mean we simply ask, "What really matters in life?" Honestly, I'm not sure I can answer that question for myself, or anybody else actually. I mean, my family matters to me. My friends matter to me. My fiancé matters to me. My job matters to me. My schoolwork matters to me. My time spent with people I care about matters to me. My roommates matter to me. My health matters to me. I could keep going. But, just because those are some things that matter to me, doesn't mean they necessarily have to matter to you. Everybody is entitled to his or her own opinions and values. Both of those highly influence the way we determine whether something is important to us or not.

Next, why bother living if we're just going to die anyway? Seriously? That is probably the most pessimistic thought, ever. It's up there with, "Well, every second you're alive is just another second closer to death." If you're thinking that way all the time, please see a counselor. You need help. But seriously, what IS the point of living if we're just going to die? Again, I don't know. To me, the point of living is to enjoy every moment that surrounds you with the people who surround you. Living is being with people who make you feel "alive." Being alive is just pure joy and pure happiness, but again, that's my definition. However, it ties in nicely with the next sentence.

"I just want to be happy." Alright, if you "just want to be happy," you need to figure out what's making you so unhappy in the first place. Typically, if you're unhappy, you find ways to do things that make you happy. You play video games, go for a run, write, play an instrument, watch "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," watch YouTube, hang out with friends, the list goes on. You do things that make you happy. If you are so unhappy, then stop doing those things. If someone is in your life and they are constantly bringing you down, I say evaluate the relationship and determine if it is really worth all of the unhappiness the person is causing you. Quite seriously, if you want to be happy so badly that every time I get on Facebook and that's your status or if you're one of those people who like the status every time, I think you need to reevaluate your life and start making some big changes. I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to enjoy themselves. I want everyone to feel alive.

I think the best way to sum up what I'm trying to say in this advice columnesque blog post is in a Relient K song. The song "College Kids" ends with this montra: "Do what will make you happy. Do what you feel is right. Only but one thing matters, learn how to live your life. Do what will make God happy. Do what you feel is right. Only but one thing matters, learn how to live your life."

Deuces.

Today.

I haven't blogged for the longest time. I've thought about it, but I just haven't done it.

School started and I am always busy now, but I'm OK with that. Being busy is kind of my thing. Amidst all the busyness though, I still manage to find time to over think anything and everything (usually when I'm falling asleep.)

The past few days I've been thinking about the fact that six years ago today I had my second heart surgery. I remember this surgery vividly. The first one I don't remember at all. I'd be concerned if I did because I was only a few days old.

For some reason, I remember so many details of this day and the days leading up to it and the days after it. I randomly start replaying things in my head. It's quite annoying, actually. It puts me in a bad mood and it brings me down. That's not OK.

I've spent yesterday and today in a mental battle of living in the present and living in the past. It's an odd place to be, but it's a place of growth to be quite honest.

Living in my past isn't going to change it. Reliving it isn't going to make it any better or any worse. Let the past be past. A friend of mine told me today that I have power over my thoughts. I have control of my mind. And, as a control freak, I was OK with hearing I have control over my mind even if it doesn't seem like I do.

I have the power to stop negative thoughts. I have the power to live in the present.

Those two sentences have so much meaning. They are statements that have a can-do attitude. They're positive, but they're so difficult to do.

I haven't gotten any answers on how to be present all the time. I actually am not succeeding a whole lot right now, but I just got a text that might help:

"Anytime one [a thought] comes back just say, Lord, I'm agreeing with the negative in life right now. And I want to agree positively with You. Help please. SOS."

All day, I've been telling myself, "It's Oct. 3, 2012 not Oct. 3, 2006. Today is its own day." Has it helped? Yeah. Am I still wrestling a lot of thoughts and emotions? Yeah.

I feel like there's a lot more I could write, but I think I'm going to stop because if I keep going, I'm going to either a.) get into too much detail 2.) start playing things through my head, which is what this whole post is about not doing and III.) this whole thing is just words, there isn't any kind of flow at all and my inner-writing nerd is telling me to stop before it gets worse.

I leave you with this: Today. That's all you need to focus on.

REALity check

What's up everybody? Summer has officially started and by that I mean the equinox happened and the season is officially summer, however, it's about 60 degrees outside. So, I mean, it's technically summer but it doesn't feel like it, that's for sure.
With it not feeling like summer, it got me thinking about other things that don't feel the way we think they should. Maybe not even necessarily things that don't feel the way we think they should, but things that frustrate us because they aren't what we want.
Tons of things frustrate me. Sometimes a dresser drawer not closing right is enough to make me want to (and sometimes I do) throw a temper tantrum because I get so frustrated. I want the drawer to close and it won't. I don't play very many video games for the same reason. I want my characters to do certain things and usually a user error prevents the character from doing that certain thing. Yeah, these are two relatively silly and petty examples, but on a bigger, more serious scale, I get frustrated when people are afraid to be real. I get frustrated when people are afraid of what is really going on in people's lives and in the world outside of their own.
Sometimes it's easy to talk about things that are "common." It's "easy" to talk about drama happening in your life. It's easy to talk about what he said and she said. It's not as easy to talk about the big stuff that people struggle with. In some places where it should be accepted and embraced, it's almost taboo.
Places like the church where we should be loving people and showing forgiveness and grace, we are shunning people and turning them away. We won't talk about sex, alcohol, divorce, death, drugs or anything that is "morally wrong." It's taboo. People have questions. I have questions. I know I'm afraid to ask some of them for fear of being judged.
We learn through asking questions. We learn through mistakes. We learn FROM mistakes. Why are we so afraid to share our mistakes? Why are we afraid to get real with people? Last summer when I was with sailing and windsurfing camp, they deans asked me to share my testimony. I did it willingly. It gave me a chance to tell the campers (who were all high schoolers) how sucky life can be. I've also learned since then, that life can keep getting worse even when you didn't think it could get any worse. After I shared what was essentially my first two years of high school, one of the deans thanked me for sharing because I was around the same age as most of the campers when all of that stuff was happening. When I was having open heart surgery and heart catheterizations and then my friend was killed, I was 14 and 15. My story hit home with those kids. That's what being real does, I think. It gives you an opportunity to help somebody, but, in a way, I think it helps you too.
What I mean is, when you're sharing something heavy with somebody or a group of people, you're making yourself vulnerable and exposing parts of yourself you've always kept hidden. You're letting people see inside you. And, as horrifying as that might be, it can actually end up being rather cathartic or just relieving. Things you've been holding onto for so long finally are just being shared and accepted. It feels good to get things off of your chest. You never know how your story will help somebody else. But, you know it won't help anybody at all if you don't share.
I think the best way we learn is through story and experience. We learn through hearing about other people's experiences and hear how they got through things. We try to apply what they say to our lives somehow. A lot of times what we hide from people the most are things that have hurt us or things that we regret or view as mistakes, but don't we learn from our mistakes? I think we do. We learn through our mistakes and we learn from them. Sometimes our scars from our hurts make for the best life lessons. Why wouldn't we want to share that with others? I think when we aren't real for fear of judgment or just because of straight up fear, we are being selfish. We would rather stay in our shame and wallow in our hurt than try to help somebody out of theirs and chances are, we'd probably help ourselves in the process.
I'm going to leave you with this thought: What is holding you back from being real? Use this as a reality check when you would rather keep something to yourself instead of open up. I know I'm going to start asking myself this question a lot more.

Everybody is Broken

Yo--

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote. Since then, I got engaged, went to the beach and started my internship. Pretty much all of that happened in about a week and a half. So, I can't complain about much. Life has been pretty fantastic, at least for me. However, the more I'm on Facebook (yeah, it seems like I get a lot of blogging inspiration from there), the more it seems like everybody else's lives are not so fantastic. At least, that is the way they make it seem.
I see posts about brokenness and being hurt all the time, albeit, mostly by girls, but they're still up there. I see pictures that are shared about not trusting people and how once you've been hurt once, you're too scared to get hurt again. Yes, that is entirely true, even of myself. But why are we all feeling alone in this? Why do we resort to putting things on Facebook instead of talking to people for real? And by for real, I mean in person or at the very least, a phone call and maybe Skype. We hide behind our insecurities and our fears. I do it. I do it all the time. We put up a front and we try to mask who we really are. We find fault with others, when really, we are just trying to hide the fault with ourselves.
We want to blame others for our brokenness and the hurt that we feel. When, there is nobody to blame. Not even ourselves. We live in a fallen and broken world. I guess if you really want to blame somebody, you could blame Adam and Eve, but even that is debatable. We want to blame the guy who led me on and then broke my heart. We want to blame the girl who cheated with my ex. We want to blame circumstances. We want to blame anything and everything, when, there is nothing to blame. We want explanations to our brokenness. We want to understand. We want answers. I mean, seriously, who doesn't? I want to know why my heart is messed up. I want to know why one of my closest friends had to go through the tragedy of losing her brother in a car accident. I want to know why. I want to know why the world continually shoves the theme of be skinny down our throats, then wonders why the number of anorexia cases has increased in recent years. I want to know why girls think there aren't any good guys out there. I want to know why people think getting drunk and partying will solve all of their problems. I want to know why.
Well, the truth is, we won't know why when we want to know why. We'll find out when we least expect it. We'll get hit in the face (sometimes literally) with something and you'll just be like, "Oh. That explains a lot." It's a broken world. But, it's ok to be broken. Everybody is broken. I'm broken. I've been more than broken. I've been shattered. I've had my shattered pieces shattered. Everybody is broken. Some more, some less. Some physically, some emotionally, some mentally, some spiritually and some just all around broken. And, as much as we don't want to believe that we're broken all around, chances are, we probably are at least a little bit. I'll let you think about that one.
I'll leave you with this: Everybody is broken in some way or another. Everybody has been hurt. Christ knows and understands that more than anyone else. If you don't want to talk to other broken people, then talk to the One who overcame brokenness. Just because you're broken, doesn't mean you are alone.

-Cara

Sore Calves and Golden Calves

Hey.
All right, so it's been an interesting few days. I'm home for the summer. I've been home for one week and I'm more than ready to be back in Shippensburg. I've been helping my best friend bombard local businesses for a job so she can come live with me. My boyfriend is coming to visit on Saturday night, which CANNOT come fast enough. I miss both him and my best friend dearly and it has only been a week. On top of that, I'm still trying to figure out who I am. But honestly, who isn't?
I mean, seriously. Who isn't trying to find out who he or she is? Whether it be in a job, school, friends, faith and the list can go on. For me, I have been trying to find out who I am in faith, or in Christ. I'm still getting broken down and it sucks. I feel like I can't catch a break. Luckily, I'm starting to find my identity. It's not a smooth process. It's a rather painful one, but I got myself to this point.
At the beginning of my sophomore year (September 2011), one of my campus ministers made me do an identity web. She had me write down everything that I am involved in—things that define me or are associated with me. I had to put a circle around each one and once I finished, I put one big circle around everything and wrote God inside of it. While cleaning my room in the middle of the semester, I found this identity web. I found it at a pretty crucial time too. I hung it up on my wall and looked at it every day. It reminded me where my identity should be. That doesn't mean that's where my identity was/is, but it showed me where it should be. Since moving back home, I haven't hung it up. Actually, I'm not really sure where it ended up. I might have thrown it away. I'm really not sure. Anyway, the more I'm getting back into life at home and into things I want to do for the summer, the more I'm seeing when I'm trying to find my identity in something other than Christ.
For example: I'm determined to get into shape this summer. I've been running or biking every day and lifting in the evening. Tonight while I was lifting, I looked in the mirror and started to compare myself to my friend who I lift with. She still plays basketball in college, so she's still in pretty good shape. Meanwhile, I'm not. So, while lifting free weights in front of the giant mirror on the back wall with her, I started to feel super self-conscious. Why? I haven't got the slightest clue (probably because I'm a girl and it's what I do). But, thinking back on that now, I realize I was trying to find my identity in my body and the way I look. Because God created me to be perfect in His eyes, I shouldn't get self-conscious about how I look. If I really, truly had an identity in Him, I would be asking for His eyes to see not only myself, but also others, the way He sees them.
The problem with lack of identity is the availability and the easiness to create idols. I find myself putting my identity into different things all the time —all day, erryday. And when I do that, I am replacing God and putting whatever I feel like being that day in His place. I just created an idol.
So, what I think I'm going to challenge myself to do from now on, is to put my identity in Christ more often (with the ultimate goal being daily) and keep hoping and praying that I stop getting broken down so much. Maybe there's some kind of irony to one of my favorite bible stories as a child being "The Golden Calf" and the way I create idols like it's my job now. Oh well. My challenge is to find my identity in Christ and not in this world, like I do so often. That's my contrasting view.

Deuces.
Cara

P.S. If you're struggling with self-image, check out Song of Solomon 4:7.

Who Makes You Beautiful

So it's been awhile since I last blogged, but a lot has been going on. 
Recently, I've developed this severe longing to be loved and to feel loved. It's not that my friends and family are doing a poor job of it, it's more of a deeper longing. I want to feel and experience God's love to the fullest. I want to feel His love. I want to feel Him because He is love. I want to be able to love others and myself to the absolute fullest. The more I ponder this and ask questions, I'm realizing how little I do love. I don't love myself, others or God the way I should because I am not accepting the love that God is giving me. 
When it comes to loving myself, I'm awful at it. I won't lie. I'm a 19-year-old girl who is getting images thrust at her left and right of what "beauty" is. So, thanks to the world, I don't like myself all the time. It's not just the physical part that I don't like though. I don't like the way I treat others. I don't like the way my mood swings and I hurt people. I've come to realize I do this when I'm rejecting God's love. Because, if I was accepting His love in those moments, I wouldn't react that way. Those reactions are not of God. They are not in love. 
I've been listening to the One Direction song, "What Makes You Beautiful." Although the song is about a guy and a girl, I think it can honestly be considered a "godly" song. In the song, the guy is desperately trying to get the girl to realize and recognize how beautiful she is. The more I listen to it and the more my heart is set on God, the more I realize it's God desperately trying to get me back into His arms. Thinking about this song in this way, is a big turning point for me. This mindset is giving me hope. I'm thinking of God as my lover, not my boyfriend. This is a HUGE stepping stone for me. 
I think I could go on for awhile in this blog post, but for now, I think I'm going to stop with the hope that this encourages somebody else and that somebody else can relate to what I'm trying to say. My challenge for myself here is to continue thinking of my lover as God and not my boyfriend and to continue searching and trying to find God's love and accept it and accept myself. I want to love God. I want to love others. I want to love myself. I want to do all of this as perfect as humanly possible. 
So, don't ask what makes you beautiful. Ask, Who makes you beautiful?

Take Everything

So, lately I've been so busy that I've forgotten who I am. I've gotten sucked back into my old ways. I've felt broken and hurt. I've let Jesus out of my life. And, to be quite honest, I'm semi-OK with it. Mostly because I don't want to climb out of where I am. I don't want to go through the pain and the brokenness in my life. I don't want to work through it. However, last night I put on a playlist on iTunes that I have labeled, "the ugh list." That's the playlist I listen to when I don't really have a mood. The song, "Take Everything" by Seventh Day Slumber came on. The words on the picture are the words to the chorus. I made this picture tonight because for one, I'm bored because I'm just taking a break and two, because I wanted some sort of reminder of these lyrics. I'm going to set this picture as my background. I took the background picture during the fall. I blurred the entire thing for effect, but also to show that life can get blurry. Our relationship with Christ can get blurry and we don't really know what we're looking at. It's where I am right now. The chorus ends with, "Jesus, take everything." Instead of working through all of my hurt, Jesus can just take it all. I just need to give in and let Him. I don't know when that will be or how long it will take, but it will happen…I hope.

Be Your Own (But Not Alone) Valentine

So it's been a while since I've written. My life has gotten pretty chaotic with school and extra-curriculars and of course, the boyfriend.
Being that it's Valentine's Day, I had to post something.
I see and hear mixed opinions about Valentine's Day. In two of my three classes my professors referenced the special day. However, neither of those has anything to do with what I have to say.
Whether you love or hate the day, it happens every year. Inevitably starting shortly after Christmas, oversized teddy bears and boxes of chocolate galore start to grace the shelves of Wal-Mart. For those who enjoy the holiday, excitement and joy about thoughts of love and showing that special someone how much they care with gifts or spending time with him or her. Then, for those who do not have that significant other, the holiday is just another way that the greeting card industry makes money. And then there are people like me. I'm relatively indifferent. Being single for 18 of my 19 years of life, Valentine's Day was never anything spectacular. Last year was the first time I ever had a boyfriend for Valentine's Day and I didn't know how to react. We had only been together for about three weeks at the time so I didn't expect much. I got a bag of mini Reese's. I rationed them over two days. This year, I got a pair of slippers and a mini cake that we shared. Anyway, enough about my love life. I digress.
I mentioned three types of people regarding Valentine's Day. There's the giddy lover, the depressed single and the generally indifferent. It doesn't matter which category you fall in, or if you have your own category like exotic alien lover of supernova Valentine's Day that occurs once every 300 millenia. I don't know. We all have an opinion about Valentine's Day. But, instead of loving, hating or indiffer-ating the holiday, take it as an opportunity to show people you care.
I mean, we shouldn't need a holiday to tell us to care about people and tell them that. So, take it a step deeper. The amount that you want to show people you care, apply that to yourself. Pamper yourself a little. If not today, someday because, chances are, you deserve it. I know I'm so guilty of not taking time for myself. I just like caring about other people. Just because you can be your own "Valentine" doesn't mean you'll be alone.
I know it's cheesy and cliche, but you ALWAYS have Jesus. He can be your Valentine. No, you can't buy him a bag of Reese's or a pair of slippers or even a cake, but you don't have to buy anything for him. He's technically already your Valentine anyway. He gave us the greatest gift of all...Himself.
So, whether you're single, dating, married, patiently waiting for your boyfriend to get off work as a cook so you can see him so you kill time by blogging and not doing your homework, or if you're just kind of chilling wherever you are romantically, take some pride and probably some hope that you can be your own Valentine tonight. But, even though you're your own, doesn't mean you are alone.

What is Love?

"What is love? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more." 

This song immediately plays through my head when I see a status on Facebook that ends with "I love you so-and-so" because it makes me question people's love. 

Do you seriously love a person after "going out" or "dating" for a week? What about two weeks? NO. As my best friend likes to say, you hormone the person. Your hormones and emotions are strong because you feel accepted and cared for, but it's not love. At least, not yet. You are confusing love for crazy hormones or really liking the person.

Love means something different to everybody. It has countless definitions in the Bible with the most famous or popular passage being 1 Corinthians 13.

That passage explains not only what real love looks like, but how we are told to love. It tells us how to love people and God. It explains perfect love, which is unattainable on Earth, but we can experience this love through God. 

Back to relationships, though. There is no perfect earthly relationship between husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, friend and friend or whatever relationship you can think of, it will never be perfect. We are a broken and hurting people, therefore we are going to mess up. We are imperfect.

There is no deep, passionate love for another person after a couple of dates. 

I'm going to apologize now because this next part might be offensive depending on who reads it.

Middle school students, especially, but even high school and college students are mostly guilty of saying, "I love you" to a significant other before they actually feel love. They say the words and when you finally feel love, the phrase, "I love you" is almost meaningless because it has been overused. Its genuine and pure form has been tainted by overuse and misuse. 

Saying "I love you" before feeling love is not the only way the phrase and the word love has lost its meaning.

We say that we love a song or a food or a class, when in reality, we just really like it. I do it all the time. It's something that my generation has said for a very long time. With the tainted meaning of love, it's no wonder people question how much others care for them.

I can't say that I'm not going to stop saying that I love ice cream because it's just the way I talk, but I can say that I will make sure I show people I do love, like my boyfriend, my best friend, my family, my campus ministers, my friends and even classmates and roommates, that I do love them. I want to mean what I say. I want to love the way Jesus teaches and I challenge you to do the same. I want to challenge myself to only say, "I love you," when I mean it. It's going to be hard, but because we have changed the meaning of love, it makes it even more difficult for us to wrap our heads around the idea that God loves us unconditionally. 

If we don't change the way we use the word love, we are going to keep hurting people. So, I ask you now, what is love?

Going Against the Flow...or Are We?

Hello.
So it's 2012 and I'm joining the "bandwagon" of losing weight and getting back into shape. And yes, I am one of those people saying, "I'm going to keep this up." Well, I'll let you know. But the difference for me this year, compared to last year, is I have motivation. I finally want to like the way I look. I want to be comfortable in tighter clothes. I want to wear skinny jeans and be confident in them. I want to wear a bikini and not be ashamed. Those are my goals for 2012.
I like to think I go against the flow and do my own thing a lot, but I think about my daily life and especially those goals I have for 2012, that is not going against the flow. That's me giving into society and what society thinks is perfect. That's me changing the way I see myself. But, the good part is, God will always see me as beautiful. The way He looks at me will ALWAYS be the same. He is consistent. He is good. He goes against the flow. He sees me as perfect even when the world doesn't. He sees me as beautiful even when I don't.
Although I don't go against the flow and I set goals that are worldly, I think I'm going to turn to my Heavenly Father's way of going against the flow in finding beauty and perfection in things that we see as broken and ugly. I want to change my perception to match His as closely as possible. I want to create contrast between my life and the world.

New Year? No. Just a New Day.

Hello.
Today is the first day of 2012. According to many people, the world is ending in 11 months and 20 days. And every year on January 1 everybody says it's a new year and a new beginning. I'm going to be different. I'm going to change and become a better person, healthier person and so on. But, shouldn't we be willing to make that decision daily? Why does it take a new year for us to make decisions and get the motivation (for two weeks) to change and be different? Honestly, the only difference between yesterday and today, is the year at the end of the date. There are the same number of hours in a day. I woke up as Cara yesterday and I woke up as Cara today. It's just another day and I don't know about anyone else, but I'm planning in making decisions every day. Because every day is a new beginning. Every day is a new year.