Hey.
All right, so it's been an interesting few days. I'm home for the summer. I've been home for one week and I'm more than ready to be back in Shippensburg. I've been helping my best friend bombard local businesses for a job so she can come live with me. My boyfriend is coming to visit on Saturday night, which CANNOT come fast enough. I miss both him and my best friend dearly and it has only been a week. On top of that, I'm still trying to figure out who I am. But honestly, who isn't?
I mean, seriously. Who isn't trying to find out who he or she is? Whether it be in a job, school, friends, faith and the list can go on. For me, I have been trying to find out who I am in faith, or in Christ. I'm still getting broken down and it sucks. I feel like I can't catch a break. Luckily, I'm starting to find my identity. It's not a smooth process. It's a rather painful one, but I got myself to this point.
At the beginning of my sophomore year (September 2011), one of my campus ministers made me do an identity web. She had me write down everything that I am involved in—things that define me or are associated with me. I had to put a circle around each one and once I finished, I put one big circle around everything and wrote God inside of it. While cleaning my room in the middle of the semester, I found this identity web. I found it at a pretty crucial time too. I hung it up on my wall and looked at it every day. It reminded me where my identity should be. That doesn't mean that's where my identity was/is, but it showed me where it should be. Since moving back home, I haven't hung it up. Actually, I'm not really sure where it ended up. I might have thrown it away. I'm really not sure. Anyway, the more I'm getting back into life at home and into things I want to do for the summer, the more I'm seeing when I'm trying to find my identity in something other than Christ.
For example: I'm determined to get into shape this summer. I've been running or biking every day and lifting in the evening. Tonight while I was lifting, I looked in the mirror and started to compare myself to my friend who I lift with. She still plays basketball in college, so she's still in pretty good shape. Meanwhile, I'm not. So, while lifting free weights in front of the giant mirror on the back wall with her, I started to feel super self-conscious. Why? I haven't got the slightest clue (probably because I'm a girl and it's what I do). But, thinking back on that now, I realize I was trying to find my identity in my body and the way I look. Because God created me to be perfect in His eyes, I shouldn't get self-conscious about how I look. If I really, truly had an identity in Him, I would be asking for His eyes to see not only myself, but also others, the way He sees them.
The problem with lack of identity is the availability and the easiness to create idols. I find myself putting my identity into different things all the time —all day, erryday. And when I do that, I am replacing God and putting whatever I feel like being that day in His place. I just created an idol.
So, what I think I'm going to challenge myself to do from now on, is to put my identity in Christ more often (with the ultimate goal being daily) and keep hoping and praying that I stop getting broken down so much. Maybe there's some kind of irony to one of my favorite bible stories as a child being "The Golden Calf" and the way I create idols like it's my job now. Oh well. My challenge is to find my identity in Christ and not in this world, like I do so often. That's my contrasting view.
Deuces.
Cara
P.S. If you're struggling with self-image, check out Song of Solomon 4:7.
