Raw Honesty.

Whaddup?! I hope everyone is doing well. How are those resolutions...or lack of resolutions going? Good? Excellent.

Mine are going well too. How many times have you gotten caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and felt like you don't know who you are any more? You lose sight of what you were living for and why. Sometimes it's really drastic and sometimes it's really subtle. It can build slowly and explode. Other times it can seem like everything comes crashing down at once.

I've had both happen individually and at the same time.

Back when I was 14, everything I knew about teenagedom changed. All I knew was chasing boys and having a new crush every other week. That, and basketball. Something I had always known about, but never really understood altered my current life. The surgery I had as a baby apparently wasn't the only one I was destined to have. I had another surgery when I was 14. It seemed like everythingI knew slipped away. But, I got through it.

Trial one: completed.

A year later, age 15, my life flipped upside down again. My best friend, the one who I talked guys with, confided in, hung out with, had sleepovers with had her whole life change forever. Her older brother, the one who was one year older than me, was killed in a car accident. Oh, I forgot to mention, a few months before that, I had a heart catheterization to fix something and they couldn't because of the location. Meaning, another surgery isn't out of the picture any more, but it isn't necessarily in the picture either. Things can stabilize forever or get worse. Anyway, my best friend just lost her brother and her life will never be the same. However, since we were so close, it affected me a lot. I hurt for her. I hurt for her family. I hurt for his friends. I hurt for me.

Trial two: completed.

Life never went back to "normal." But, what is normal? Anyway, because both of these events happened at what can be considered crucial times of your life, they kind of shaped me. I started to find my identity in them. I started to let those events define me. They did.

I finally graduated high school and came to college. The first year and a half was great. Then, halfway through sophomore year, I had an identity crisis. I lost sight of "who I was." But, truth is, I never knew who I was. I found my identity in my past and in traumatic events. I let terrible things tell me who I was. So, once I got to college and started to realize those things weren't really who I was. Those were just events. And, I realized I can't keep basing my identity off of them. I won't say I never had true faith, because I know I did, but I didn't let my faith define me. I didn't let Christ define me. Because of that, I had a crisis of faith. But, not only did I nearly lose my faith in everything, but also in myself. I lost my self-confidence. I lost my self-worth. I lost sight of what was important.

What is important? Everything. Everything is important. Everything matters. I pushed away all of my friends except for two, one of which is now my fiancé and the other is my maid of honor. Luckily everyone I pushed away has enough grace to last them forever because none of them left me, despite how hard I tried to get rid of them. Partway through this time, I did make a new friend. He helped reset me. Between him and my other two friends, I started to get back on track. But, that wasn't the end.

Stress still piled on and I still tried to find my identity in my past, which made me lie to myself. I told myself I was too far gone. I said I couldn't be saved. After awhile though, I started to recognize those as lies.

Between those lies and almost giving up, I've lost complete sight of who I am and who I was. I've always known who I wanted to be...for the most part. A lot of times who I want to be and who I think I need to be or should be get confused, but I'm learning.

Recently all of this came crashing down on me in the form of a panic attack. It was really terrifying. I can't tell you how many times I thought I hit the bottom. But, this time, I know that's where I'm at. When I think about how far I have to go and how high I have to climb to get out of the hole I'm in, I don't know how to react. I start to freak out. I start to worry. Then, I say a prayer. I reset myself. I find my center. Christ.

This hasn't been easy. (It hasn't been easy to write either. Being raw and broken isn't something I'm good at.) This process won't be easy. But, I'm slowly starting to have a little more faith and trust and hope that someday it's all going to work out. I'm never going to be alone. I am one of God's children.

Where am I going to start to find my identity? Where are you? Who are you? I can tell you who I am. I am Cara. I am a child of God. 

It's a new year, do you really need a new you?

It is three days into 2013 and so far, it's a great year. It might even be the best year yet. Do you know why? I'm going to go ahead and say no, you don't know why. Have no fear, I'm going to tell you.

This year is the best yet because I didn't set myself up for failure from the get go. I didn't start with a list of expectations. I didn't make any "New Year's Resolutions." I woke up Tuesday morning with the same goals I had on Monday, "Wake up. Figure it out from there." 

For some reason, we have created this idea that everyone is required to make resolutions to better themselves every year. There's nothing wrong with that idea except for one thing: We set outrageous goals and rarely stick with them for more than a few weeks. Sure, there are the exceptions where people do follow through with their resolutions, but it seems like the majority of people have a difficult time sticking with them. 

A lot of times people start the new year wanting to lose weight or be healthier. They want to go to the gym every day and eat healthier. Sounds great, right? Well, yeah, it is, but there's a big problem with it. Going to the gym every day and eating better are things everyone should do, but it's a lifestyle change and if you've ever tried to change your life, it's not easy. In my opinion, I think that's why so many people can't stick with it for more than a few weeks. 

Alright, so I didn't make any resolutions. Is it because I lack determination? No. Is it because I'm happy with my life? For the most part, yes, but that's not the reason.

I didn't make any resolutions because I didn't want to set myself up for failure. Instead, I'm enjoying this year with as few expectations of myself as possible. If I would have told myself, "Self, go to the gym at least three times a week and only eat salads for lunch and fruit for snacks," I would have already failed. There's a few other problems with that, too. First, I don't know where my ID is to go to the gym. Second, I can't afford to buy only fruit for snacks. It's just not in my poor college student budget. Third, I like my sweets. But, those reasons aren't that important.

Back to setting myself up to fail. I still plan to attempt to eat better (I think everyone does) and not necessarily go to the gym, but to continue to become more active. Yesterday I went grocery shopping. I am incredibly proud of myself. (No, it was not the first time I went by myself.) I bought ingredients for salads and healthy breakfasts. Dinner is still in the air. But, I did it because I wanted to do it. I didn't buy it because I "had" to buy it. I bought it because it's what I wanted. It's not because I have a list of expectations for myself. It's because I finally realized I have the ability to buy healthy food and if you try, you can stay within your budget (which I did.) I also bought a half-gallon of vanilla ice cream, but it just so happens that the low-fat one was the cheapest. 

I did all of this because I chose to be healthy, for this week at least. But, if I go off of my "diet," it's fine. If I don't work out one day, who cares? I've had enough of these expectations and trying to live up to someone's standards and not my own. New Year's resolutions are just another ploy for society to say you're not good enough the way you are. So, I say, "Screw 'em!"

If you have already messed up your resolutions, it's OK. Don't sweat it. Just do me a favor and think about why you made the resolutions you made. Who did you make them for: you or someone else? And, if you did make resolutions and things are going swell after these first three days, don't sweat it if/when you falter. It will be fine. As for me, I'm going to continue eating my fruit and yogurt parfait and buttery bagel. Then, I'm going to continue my resolutionless year.